


Acing All Criteria

by flyingoverthehorizon



Series: Late Night Drabbles [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Bittersweet, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of past rape/non-con, past abusive relationship, victim self-blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 22:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11541930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingoverthehorizon/pseuds/flyingoverthehorizon
Summary: Sehun feels a lot of guilt. What he needs is time and someone that doesn't pressure him





	Acing All Criteria

**Author's Note:**

> this short story is about growing and healing from trauma. it isn’t intended to be a deep dive into all the emotions, but rather a fleeting description of what it can be like to move on.
> 
> ace=asexual=no or little sexual attraction  
> aro=aromantic=no or little romantic attraction

Sehun feels a lot of regret over certain things. He wishes he’d taken a moment to think things through. He wishes he’d been more insightful. But he figures he might not have learnt what he now knows about himself without those experiences. 

Sehun fell for all the ideas of what a relationship should be, of all the things you apparently are supposed to be and do. He now realizes how absurd it is and cannot believe that he did not understand that a large chunk of it doesn’t, and might never, work for him. But the fact remains, he didn’t.

He thought sex needed to be part of the equation in a relationship, that he owed his partner that. Everyone has sex. That is what they say, right? Sex is amazing. That is common knowledge, right?

He blames his ex for what happened, but he also feels responsible for for not saying a definitive no. His ex-partner could totally have been more attentive to Sehun’s needs and made sure he was on track with everything, but Sehun feels like his inability to voice his thoughts also was part of the problem.

Sehun knows that his experiences count as rape and that he blames himself because of a deeply rooted culture of victim-blaming. But whenever he tries to tell himself he’s not to blame, a small voice in his mind reminds him that communication is a key aspect of relationships and sexual encounters. He didn’t communicate enough. 

And then that little voice tells him he shouldn’t complain because a lot of people have had experiences that are so much worse. He shouldn’t complain. 

He then tries to feel less guilty by thinking that all of this at least helped him realize that he is asexual. He wishes he had figured it out before he met his ex, however. Looking back there were so many signs, but he reasons that he might not have come to his current understanding unless something had triggered the thought process

He has figured out so much about himself after he and his ex broke up. He is ace. He is not aro. He has never been in love. He does not feel the need to be in a relationship. He craves physical contact. As long as he can satisfy that need by being clingy on his friends or get hugs frequently he is completely fine single.

What he does not expect is to get to know Junmyeon. Junmyeon is kind. Junmyeon cares so much about other people. Junmyeon seems to appreciate the company of Sehun without ever making him feel uncomfortable. He hugs Sehun, he talks with him, he asks for his opinion, but never making Sehun feel like he is coming onto him. Junmyeon talks to other people too. He hugs other people too. He is kind to other people too. 

Sehun finds the thought of someone liking him uncomfortable, at least if he is not interested in them in the same way, because he is afraid that what happened with his ex will repeat itself. But the thought of Junmyeon liking him does not make him shiver in discomfort. Instead it makes him all warm inside. It makes him feel the same way a cuddly kitty sleeping on his lap makes him feel.

He leans his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder sometimes. Junmyeon doesn’t mind. Or at least he doesn’t say anything. Junmyeon still pays attention to others, but he pays more attention to Sehun. It makes Sehun feel all twitchy inside. Not the uncomfortable, gut-wrenching feeling, but rather the exciting fizziness of a soda.

Sehun starts to open up and tell Junmyeon about himself. He doesn’t really talk to anyone about these kinds of things, but this feels good. He trusts Junmyeon. He tells him that he is asexual, that he is tired of society promoting sex as something amazing that everyone must want and that anyone that doesn’t want it is strange, he tells him that he doesn’t look for a relationship but wouldn’t say no if the right person turned up, he tells him that he is not opposed to the thought of sex but it would have to be when he feels one hundred percent ready and that it will never be something a partner could expect from him if they waited long enough.

Sehun does not tell him about what happened with his ex. Not yet. No one knows, and while it would be nice to talk about he is not ready yet.

Junmyeon listens to all that Sehun says. He asks careful questions when he does not understand. He tells Sehun that if his questions are too intrusive or ignorant he must not feel like he has to answer them. He doesn’t judge. He doesn’t question that Sehun would be up for sex under the right circumstances despite being asexual, compared to everyone else that Sehun has told about his asexuality. Sehun loves him for it.

Sehun loves Junmyeon. He is almost certain of it. It has been a long process. He has been slowly falling for a little over a year. He is not afraid. It has been slow enough for him to feel in control of what happened. He is a little worried about what Junmyeon will say when Sehun confesses his feelings, but it is an okay worry.

When he tells Junmyeon he likes him, his heart is beating so fast. Junmyeon smiles and faint pink is visible on his cheeks. He asks if he can hug Sehun. Sehun says yes. While hugging Junmyeon admits to have liked Sehun for a few months now, but knowing how Sehun takes a lot of time to open up about things he did not feel like confessing yet.

Sehun is very happy with how careful Junmyeon is with him. He lets Sehun do everything in a pace that is comfortable to him. But Sehun also feels a little guilty, so he pushes himself to start voicing his thoughts instead of waiting for Junmyeon to ask him. Eventually he starts spilling about his biggest secret, what happened with his ex. 

Junmyeon listens carefully, but with a worried wrinkle between his eyebrows. When Sehun finally is done, and has said as much as he can about it for now, Junmyeon starts to ask questions to try to piece together what happened. Sehun explains that he can’t really talk about everything yet, he is not comfortable enough, and things that he forgot about might come back to him in the future. He wanted to tell Junmyeon because he wanted to be honest and try to explain why he needs so much extra time, but he does not want to be seen as a victim. He does that to himself too much already.

Junmyeon says that he is very happy that Sehun opened up to him and told him all of this. He says that he understands more now but that he will try his very best to not let it change the way he sees Sehun. He likes Sehun for who he is and cared for him long before he knew any of this. He treats Sehun the way he does because that is how he treats people he cares about.

Sehun tells him how much he appreciates Junmyeon and that he lets Sehun take his time. He tells Junmyeon how much it means to him.

Junmyeon often reminds Sehun that he shouldn’t feel guilty for what happened with his ex. That things like that never are the victim’s fault. That Sehun is worth so much more and that he wishes that Sehun grows stronger from what happened rather than internalize the guilt. He reminds Sehun that his feelings are valid, that his experiences shouldn’t be compared to others’ and that even if it brought with it one good thing, it doesn’t mean that the trauma was worth it. He tells Sehun that he’s sure Sehun would have figured out his sexual orientation anyway.

Sehun is happy Junmyeon reminds him of these things. He feels less guilty now. He tries to think of what Junmyeon has told him countless times whenever feelings of guilt come creeping. He’s not one to blame. He’s worth more than this. 

He also tries to give back to Junmyeon. Give him the love he deserves. He doesn’t do it out of guilt, but instead because he loves Junmyeon and cares for him. He wants to give back.

One day Sehun drags Junmyeon to their couch. His eyes smile as he nags that Junmyeon took way too long getting home, and that he is dying of cuddle withdrawals. Junmyeon just laughs but huddles up on the couch with Sehun. Sehun is very happy these days. Not that he was not happy before, but he is happier now. He is so happy that he tells Junmyeon how grateful he is that Junmyeon is in his life, and that he loves him. Junmyeon blushes and kisses Sehun on the temple, an okay area for a peck. He tells Sehun that he has never heard Sehun say that outright before, and then proceeds to tell Sehun that he loves him back. Now it is Sehun’s turn to blush, and then he giggles.

Sehun thinks back to when he thought a relationship needed sex to be real. He now knows that he is very much fine without it. He’s starting to get a bit curious about it and wonders what it is like when it is good. But, nah, if there ever will be a time for it, it’s not now. He is too busy cuddling his favourite person.

**Author's Note:**

> I make no claims to that this is what it has to be like, that ace people must experience trauma to realize their asexuality or that rape victims “become” asexual. asexuality doesn’t have to mean sex aversion/repulsion. the two can be connected but they don’t have to. also, rape and sexual assault is NEVER the victim’s fault. it’s a lot easier to remind others than reminding oneself (thanks to internalized victim-blaming) so here is another reminder! and finally: consent is key! if you are unsure if you have consent or not, ask!
> 
> thank you if you read this far! remember, it gets better ❤


End file.
